Diary… Baggers bicker over tyre replacement strategy

The wheelbarrow needs fixing


1 March, London

>> At the end of Liverpool’s 3-0 humiliation by Watford last night, manager Jürgen Klopp made a statement of the bleeding obvious (“We lost, they won. Well done Watford. For you are jolly good fellows”), or something similar.

The story has been spun as Klopp seeing the defeat as “positive”. Liverpool were rubbish.

>> Coronavirus jokes are starting to appear. Newsbiscuit has one announcing that Covid-19 will headline this year’s Reading Festival.

“Although it will be a short appearance, the impact of the concert could last a lifetime”.

>> A top civil servant, Sir Philip Rutnam, has quit his job, saying home secretary Priti Patel is a horrible bully. 

Supporters of the Tory minister have reacted by starting a hashtag, #StandWithPriti, on Twitter. The last time I looked it had been successfully taken over by Priti haters.

>> Turned up a few worms in our soil down at the allotments.

Pleased to meet you…

Lifted the soil, got some air in and pottered, sweeping up leaves and binning crappy old plastic pots. 

The thyme plant seems to have survived the Winter, so fingers crossed it will thrive come the Spring.

There was some discussion as to whether Kwik Fit could fix the knackered wheelbarrow tyre. After a bit of huffing and puffing, I agreed to Google a solution.

>> I saw someone walking along Goswell Road with an undone shoelace. I was about to tell them about it, but I didn’t because I thought it might be a new trend in fashion. Then they stopped and tied the lace.

>> At an outsider art exhibition and talk in Islington called ‘Monochromatic Minds’, my feet were so cold I began to hate the mentally-ill artists and their petty self-obsessions.

That’s cruel, but that’s what being cold does. It makes you mentally unstable and a nasty bastard.

Outsiders in Islington…

So nasty that I nearly burst out laughing at quotes from two of the artists interviewed. That would have been unforgivable.

One artist, when speaking about how he made the shift to working in clay said:

“but clay is a completely different kettle of fish”.

To most people, that simply isn’t funny. But to me in my frozen state, it was hilarious.

Later, in a filmed interview, an artist called Valerie Potter said:

“For some reason, all my foetuses are screaming.”

Inside, I was doubled up laughing at that one. And as soon as Val said it, she had the mischievous look of someone who knew they’d just written the headline.

>> The new 8pm Sunday evening detective drama series on ITV, the one with the irritating sponsorship from SEAT cars, is ‘McDonald & Dodds’.

Mismatched cops…

It replaces ‘Endeavour’, making it a tough ask. The first episode, ‘The Fall of the House of Crockett’, was a King Learish outing for Robert Lindsay (Wolfie ‘Citizen’ Smith of the Tooting Popular Front) as a putative baddy. The two mismatched investigating cops are endlessly charming in their own ways.

When his youngest daughter tells Wolfie to shove his £30m inheritance money up his jay, Lindsay could be onstage for the RSC. Every look and word is pure Lear. Nice touch.

But was he the killer? 

Pop Quiz… Name That Tune

“Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath”



>> Read yesterday’s posting.

🎶 Click here for Pop Quiz answer. Play it loud!