Diary… Celebrity gets new name from WH Smith

TV star found identity under the letter R in Big Book of Baby Names

>> Rylan Clark-Neal is standing in for Zoe Ball today on her BBC Radio 2 show.

The previous stand-in was Nicki Chapman, 53, of Herne Bay, Kent.

Interesting things I can report about Rylan:

His given name is Ross Richard.

When from an early age he embarked on a career of exhibitionism and entertainment-world sluttery, he decided Ross Richard wasn’t a good enough name.

So he went to WH Smith and picked Rylan from a book of baby names.

Other riveting titbits: he is 31, born in two places, according to Wikipedia (Stanford-le-Hope in Essex and Stepney, east London), is the presenter of the recently revived ‘Supermarket Sweep’ TV programme, and got married to fellow ‘Big Brother’ housemate Dan Neal on 7 November 2015.

Rylan is also a regular on TVs ‘Celebrity Gogglebox’ with his mother, Linda.

>> The first shock of the day arrived with the news that TV presenter Eamonn Holmes is pleading with his Instagram followers to find him a doctor who can fix his bloodshot eye.

Celebrity eye problem…

This prompted a swift response from someone called Lizzie Cundy: “Get some chloramphenicol drops ASAP .. #nurse #lizzie”

The thought that poor Eamonn might be forced to join one of the many sprawling queues outside GP surgeries all across the land is just too, too disturbing.

Instagram is a much better idea.

>> The Gillette Venus, as spotted today in Boots, looks like you could mow the lawn with it.

In fact, look closely at the box and there are two yellow daisy-like flowers growing amid the imagined ladyparts.

>> A successful visit to the bank to grant my wife the authority to deal with my current account.

Some people think I’m mad, but the direction of travel in the UK is clearly on a straight line to Total Bank Dictatorship.

Using ordinary money – coins and paper – is getting to be impossible. Bank cards only, these days.

This is blatant robbery of the power to govern our own personal finances.

It’s also an inducement to greater debt and reckless spending.

The banks have us in their vice, so I am happy to have my wife’s assistance in dealing with this evil curse.

And if by some freak of misfortune she raids the account behind my back, she will be surprised to learn thay there isn’t very much money in there.

>> To the Barbican Cinema to see ‘The Lighthouse’, a moody art film shot in black and white and in a square aspect.

The square ratio makes everything feel like you are viewing it from the window of a prison cell.

It’s enough to drive anyone up the wall.

Locked into this brutal torture by psychological interrogation, craziness stares at you with menace.

Steptoe & Son…

The orgasming mermaid and the octopus with its tentacles round your throat only add to the spiralling madness.

Make it as far as a cackling Willem Dafoe with barnacles in his bushy beard and sea urchin glued to his forehead and raving insanity is but a stone’s throw away.

Once you’ve arrived, reached your destination, as it were, there is no escape from this dark place.

‘The Lighthouse’ has some great shots of a tempestuous Atlantic Ocean crashing onto rocks, but in the end calling it Steptoe & Son, as made by Luis Buñuel sounds about right.

◾Read yesterday’s diary